God Speaks in the Hills and Valleys of Unknown Adventure
God Speaks in the Hills
and Valleys of Unknown Adventure
 |
| (Just one of the many beautiful sights in Ohio that thirst my unknown adventure) |
Recently, God has
been talking to me a lot about control, surrender, submission, my heart,
mountains, adventure, spontaneity, emotions, fear of the unknown, mustard seeds
of faith, and taking up my cross. In
hindsight, all of these things have come to me within the past week, and to be
honest, they’ve all been a bit scary and overwhelming; a bit equivocal and
questioning as to how one puzzle piece matches the other to form an overall
picture. But you know what, I think that
that uncertainty and foggy clearing is what God is trying to reveal to this
spontaneously searching heart, trapped in the body and mind of a girl who loves
to cling to perfectionism, order, and anything but chaos.
On Wednesday of
this week, I began to feel a strong presence of God’s Spirit prompting my
heart. Attending a Theology talk at my
college, the Father of one of my beloved Professor’s talked about the struggles
we all go through when pain, heartache, and bad things essentially happen to
good people. Relating our experiences to
how he and his now deceased wife endured a long battle with cancer, he
encouraged us to rely on two things to get us through these times: 1) To ask
God every morning whose cross we can help bear that day, but then remember to
give it back to him as the sun fades away, and 2) Recognize that when God tells
us we can move a mountain, we aren’t literally moving a mountain, more-so, we
are allowing our mustard seed of faith to chip away at that struggle we are
facing.
Pondering those
thoughts when I got home that night, I realized a few things not only about my
faith but the battles I had been facing. As an incredibly empathetic person,
the conclusion came to me that I have been so exhausted from pouring into
others because I did not remember to give those crosses back to God at the end
of the day. Simon of Cyrene helped Jesus to carry his cross on the day of His
crucifixion, but at the end of that long and hard road, he also remembered to
give it back to Him, for only Him who would fully pay the price would bear the eternal
weight of the cross (see Matthew 27:32).
And perhaps, we in our humanness need to take a lesson from that,
realizing that we can only help those around us when we are in surplus of an
overflow that comes from taking up our crosses daily (Luke 9:23, ERV: “If
anyone would come after me, He must deny himself and take up his cross daily
and follow me”). Surrender is a daily up
and down of the cross, and this is where real freedom begins.
Thinking that these
truths were all God had in-store for me for the week, I was surprised when God
again began to prompt my heart in pursuit of what He wasn’t done telling
me. Arriving at my 7:45 a.m. writing
class, a daily writing activity asked us to write about our favorite place, and
thinking back to the mustard seed of faith moving a mountain analogy shared the
night before, I produced the following poem that did more than shock my mind,
but it recollected my heart:
Spacious skies and wintergreen, the
firs cry out to the Heavens.
Dancing in the wind like fragments
of intangible thoughts and ideas,
my
heart lurches at the sight of misty fogs and the highest heights.
Crunching over the leaves and
branches at my feet, I stop at the edge of
on looking nature surrounding me.
Deeply breathing in and out, I inhale
serenity and exhale my fears.
Glistening at my reflection in the
waters, I thank God for this beauty.
The beauty that lay around me and
within me, but I so often fail to
recognize and value.
In their crisp size, sprinkled
design and free spirits, this is the mountaintop,
the hills, and valleys- the forest
and woods of my spontaneously searching
heart.
Zoning out for a
few moments in class and looking at what I had just written, I realized that
the truth of my heart that had been hiding came out in the rawness of my
inability to contain the vulnerabilities any longer. Longing for someone to
take me away on an adventure, to hike the mountains and appreciate the beauty
of this world while soaking up God’s goodness, I let these thoughts quietly
resonate in the interior of my mind. Not
really understanding what was happening, my mind was pulled back to reality as
those around me continued to talk in anticipation of the day’s assignment. Yet, in a daze, the next prompt was given,
and my now exposed heart was lurching to be heard, writing the following in
response to a free-write on a memory:
“I remember when I
used to be a carefree person because for as long as I can remember, I’ve not
been one. That being said, the last time
I recall freedom was before the age of 14 before I started self-hate and
obtaining fear and anxiety. Before an
OCD, perfectionistic, compulsive personality began to overtake me; I was a
typical and happy pre-teen/teen. My eyes glittered with ambition as my heart
pulsated with adventure, and my mind spontaneously sought beauty, joy, and
optimism in everything. But sadly, I transformed into something I didn’t want
to be, and though I appreciate who I am now in segments, I still long to go
back in partiality to that which I used to be. A little bit more mature, a lot
more thoughtful, and a pinch more sincere, still full of adventure and
goals/dreams as high as the sky, but realistic and free of the perfectionism
and planning that now haunts me.
And don’t get me
wrong, it has taken a very long time for me to grow and understand these things
I’ve battled and I know that God has blessed me with an extreme gift for
organization, planning events, and living life to the fullest, but I want to do
so with freedom, spontaneity, and a lack of seriousness that I used to be, long
to be, still want to go back to be.
Because perhaps, if
I’m honest, I miss that childlike me, and though I am scared to go back, I long
that young girls joy to see. No, I don’t
want to change myself, and in a sense, I do love who I am, where I’ve been and
often lengthened to be-BUT- I know that God wants me to be free of anxiety,
worry, fear, and the future of anything holding me back, especially the
vulnerabilities of my regrets/past that haunt me.
Newsflash self, God
can do this in you, but that starts in a firm trust and reliance in Him who
formed me. He created me to be free in
the Spirit, so why not find that which once resided in me, and eagerly still
longs to be? I remember whom I used to be and she’s making a comeback. She’s deep inside, but not dead; she’s alive
and ready to come back to be all she once was and still strives in ambitions of
adventure to be.”
So, what does all
of that have to do with what God has been revealing to me? Well, I suppose that in retrospect, it all
connects to the following series of events that began to unfold from that
day. Leaving my writing class to meet
the Professor and talk about career crisis, I sat in his office as he let me
vent about my problems. Gently listening and caring about my concerns, however,
he surprised my mind when he said, “Amber, I took your email very seriously and
I want to encourage you in your dreams, and what you want to do, but I also
have prayed a lot and really feel like God wants me to tell you not to be
afraid of the unknown, no matter what that may be or where it leads”. Quite frankly freaking me and my comfort
zone, plannerized mind out, I nodded as he then continued to share a poem with
me entitled: Open Road: Adventure, with a picture of a mountain on the side.
Now obviously, my
Professor had no prior contact with the students in class, and their writing
prompts, nor did he know that I had just written in my journal about mountains
being my favorite place (for I didn’t even recognize that), seeking a heart of
adventure, and learning to obtain a spirit of spontaneity. However, he did eagerly pray for me, so I
knew that when he spoke each of these words, he was genuinely attempting to
pour more of Christ and His truth into my life.
Reaching a level of
“Amber is now highly freaked out with everything happening and God speaking,” I
went to Chapel to relieve my questioning and confused soul only to be met by a
friend who had more words for me.
Telling her about all of these weird rema (basically the Christian
version of karma) events occurring, her face softened as she said, “Well, I
wasn’t going to tell you this ha-ha, but I don’t think God is done speaking to
you yet. When I was praying for you last
night, I felt like I should pray that you come to surrender those things that
you have sought control over for so long”.
Literally hitting me with like a third and final frying pan of reality,
my soul was comforted by God’s ability to use so many different people to speak
to me.
Choosing to study
various Scriptures that night regarding the fear of the unknown, praying in His
word, and talking to a few friends, I began to become very fearful of what God
was telling me. Through Scriptures such
as Isaiah 26:3 (“You will keep in perfect peace Him whose mind is steadfast,
because He trusts in you”), and Psalm 32:8, I cried and laughed as I realized
what God was trying to tell me. As I
prayed in solitude, I noticed a pattern in all of these signs: that I wanted control
and I always have. I’ve never been the
type just to let go entirely, and though my life has been surrendered to Christ
since I got saved at the age of 8, I realized I needed to align them
again.
That night, I
decided to close my time of worship by listening to random worship songs on
Spotify, and when the song “In-Control-Acoustic” by Hillsong Worship began to
play, I couldn’t help but think of God’s love, laughter, and sense of humor
looking down on me. He was speaking to
me in monumental ways; I just had to take the time to really listen.
Awaking Friday
morning to the support of my friends and family, I smiled as the Devotional was
focused on control/surrender. Talking to
my Dad that night and then doing an in-depth study on verses within that
context such as Psalm 46:10, James 4:7, Job 11:3, I wrote a prayer laying it
all down (not knowing what all God was asking for) and listened to those around
me saying, “I feel like you need to surrender your heart… It sounds to me like
God really wants you to give him control…Just trust that while pursuing the act
of “letting go” and letting God have control, we as Christians have the
privilege and comfort of knowing that our good God has control of the situation
…Everyone struggles with wanting control over uncontrollable situations but
start in little steps…God doesn’t want perfect results from us, as much as he
wants our hearts to be turned towards him.”
That night, and now
into Saturday morning, I realize how all of these things interconnect and are
just a small portion of my future life that He is revealing to me. I still am and probably always will want
control, after all, I love planning and mapping out my life to the
fullest. However, I have also concluded
that by giving God complete control, I surrender and submit all I am to Him,
especially within the depths of my heart that will align with His will for my
life.
And in a final
prayer, this is what my heart now fully knows and rests upon:
“I relinquish every
desire I have, even those I most want to cling to and ask that they are
surrendered in alignment to your control.
In asking for freedom, take these things of my heart and take
control. Let me see you move in them
through me, for it is never my power of spirit, but yours ALONE. How good it is to serve a God that loves me
enough to put up with me but loves me for who I am and where I am at amidst the
struggles. I give you control of my
anxiety, depression, fear, wanting to be in a relationship, craving love,
finding substantial friendships, my future, my career, my ALL. As I continue to read and study Scripture and
then end in prayer, let me be ever more thankful and in love with you. For who you are, what you are teaching me,
and the JOY NOT Fear in knowing that it is OKAY I AM NOT IN CONTROL because you
are and you know exactly when I need what according to your will.
Let the desires of
my heart, mind, and emotions be flooded with more of you. Set my sights on you
and like the chipping away of that mountain through the mustard seed of faith,
chip away at the things that hold me back and replace them with full peace,
comfort, adventure, and steadfast love in a heart that is now utterly loved and
known and used completely by you.”
I do not know my
future, but I know the one who holds it.
Someday I will seek those mountains, and other days I will travel across
them to tear them down. But one thing is
for sure: in these moments of uncertainty, covered in the grace and love of
things unknown, a known and loving God purses and runs after me, continually
transforming me into who, what, when, where, and why I am meant to be them.
Help me live this
out, God. I know someday, you will provide him who will join you and me on this
journey of adventure, especially on the highest mountaintops and lowest of
valleys. In clarity, it wasn’t even
these messages of “mountains, adventure, control, surrender, and spontaneity”
that spoke to me, but the meaning they conveyed in what each one represented to
me. Remember, God, speaks in the hills
and valleys of unknown adventure.
Agape, Amber
