To the guy who broke my heart,
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| (Photo Credits Belong to Photographer: Rachel Barnitz) |
As I have mentioned in old Blog posts before this, I
have experienced the breaking of a broken heart. I have felt what it feels like to have
someone that you’re completely head over heels in love with, break and shatter
your beautiful walls. I have felt what
it feels like to twist and angle the situation a thousand times over and over
again in your head, replaying what you wish it would have been like. I have even experienced the grief and
aftermath of tears that won’t stop flowing even though I never even dated
him. However, that was then,
and this is now.
In the past, I would like someone based on who I
thought they were. I would begin to
slowly but surely morph them into who I truly thought they were, and you know
what the saddest part was? That that
view was what I really saw. That I saw
that Godly man, instead of the Christian Boy.
And in a sense, I saw the potential of what I wanted to see instead of
what was really in front of me. A guy
that would like me for the person I was trying to become, instead of the one I
really was.
And as sad as that may seem, it is honestly and utterly
the undeniable truth. Like many girls, I
would change the activities I liked to do just so he might notice me. Or wear the right clothes, or say the right
things that I thought might get him to talk to me. I didn’t understand that in this series of
unfortunate events I was beginning to lose myself and who Christ really wanted
me to be. That I got lost in the
fairytale dream of being “in love” or having a “fascination” with someone who I
really didn’t even know. That I should
know that in any God centered relationship the man will pursue me, and I won’t
have to change myself for him to like, let alone talk to me. But that
was then.
And this,
is now.
As I’ve fully recovered from the heartache of this
situation, I’ve learned to understand what I believe God wanted me to from the experience. To grow up and realize that there wasn’t
anything wrong with me. That I wasn’t a
lost cause that nobody wanted, even though it felt that way at the time. That I am a treasure in the eyes of Christ,
and just because it didn’t work out with the first guy who I really, really
liked, doesn’t mean it won’t work out with the right one. In
fact, it doesn’t even mean that the guy who broke my heart is such a terrible
guy. Sure, choices were made that
weren’t always the kindest or best, but that’s just part of living in a
fallible and imperfect human life.
Therefore, I no longer like people based on who I think they are, but learn to fully get to know them first
before I even think about giving them my hearts. I don’t try and transform myself into the
things and people, and places that they like because no one wants a carbon copy
of themselves. No one wants to see a
fake person who abandons themselves just to get others to accept them. And above all? I decide in my heart that the next person I
fall head over heels in love with will be someone
I really know. Not who I want
them to be, but who God has truly created each of us to be. A Godly man instead of a Christian boy who
pursues me and does the searching instead of waiting for me to run around in circles
looking for him.
For you see, this is the true me now. And I am no longer
broken, like a picture frame being shattered, but just a little bruised,
because after all isn’t that how the light gets in? From a memory once shattered, but healed in
the time of faded bruises. I’m just a
girl learning to find who I am, and what I am, not what others want me to
be. I’m discovering that love is a
process of being you, and not trying to change yourself so that others will
like you or feel a connection with something “you’re pretending to be”. And you know what? I honestly owe that all to you. Because
I’m starting over, and finding what makes me happy, what makes my eyes light up
like the night’s sky, and not you! So
watch out world, I’m on a journey to find her and this time, I’m not morphing
myself into something that I’m not. I’m
staying true to who God created, and that begins with His creation of me. And you know something else? I probably said I wouldn’t write another
article that included you, but hey, this time something is different. It’s about me.
Agape,
Amber
