Shattered Silence

Unexpected Packages (Christmas is my favorite time of the year XD)   You know, with the Christmas season coming about, families cutting down trees, and Hallmark producing the most romantic, sappy, love affairs they can think of, it is no surprise that the month of December is full of emotions. For some of us, these emotions are pure joy and bliss. They embody my dog Buddy with his huge eyes and eager smile to see what’s next in store. With a wagging tail, glorious bark, and friendly charisma, no one could be more excited for Christmas. However, for others, the holidays bring about some different emotions.   They stir up the pain of loneliness, longing, and nostalgia for the things once had or not yet achieved. And that got me thinking a lot about Jesus’ birth, and how the people expecting him were quite disappointed when a small baby in a manger was born, rather than a powerful King commanding cities and tearing down those in its way. At that moment, I’m sure the peop...

I Don't Want To Anymore I don't want to try to make friends again, only to have them leave me feeling isolated and alone.  I don't want to keep waiting for the right guy to find me, when all of my friends are getting engaged, other singles are complaining how lonely they feel (because I am too), and my Grandma says for the hundredth time, "when you aren't looking for it, it will come and hit you over the head until you fall so in love, you don't even know it's happening" (no offense Grandma, I still love and value you and your advice).   I don't want to keep pouring into other people, thinking maybe this one or that one will finally stay in my life, only to have them turn around, stab me in the back, and criticize the heart of an empath that lives within me, so desperately seeking and searching to love others.  I don't want to keep doubting God's beautiful plan for me in life every single time it gets too hard and I walk through...

People- Not Things   (Photo Credit to beautiful friend Rachel who captured this sight at the Zoo Lights).  The older I get, the more I realize that in life, I want people and not things. When I was younger, I would start crafting my delicately planned and detailed Christmas list as soon as October. Listing book after movie, followed by Wii games, the latest gadget, and clothes, you’d be surprised how in-depth one could be with there longed for items. Placing a delicate picture beside of each item as well as the price, store, website link, and where to find them, I recall lists way over 10 pages long and more than 100 items. Now of course, I realized as a child that I would never receive all of these items that my heart so called “desired” , however, it was just really fun for me to make the list and then be completely surprised by what I would receive Christmas morning. As I began to grow up though, the lists began to shorten, and the items changed. I outg...

What Picking Pumpkins From a Pumpkin Patch taught me About Love ( I may or not be trying to consume the baby gourd that looks like a pumpkin) Over the past few months, I ’ ve been struggling quite a bit with understanding myself and learning to value that I see myself as more than the girl I used to be.   That just because my old friends knew me as the OCD/Plannerized-insane being, that doesn ’ t mean that my new friends have to see me that way, nor do I have to choose to see myself in that old and stealthy dimmed light. Transforming into the funny girl with lots of smiles and laughs though hasn ’ t been all rainbows and sunshine.   And although yes, this is my authentic character that had gotten hidden underneath the layers of self-hate, comparison, stress, and a slew of negative experiences, that doesn ’ t mean that the process has been 100% easy to live with.   Loving myself, and learning how to love others correctly, for instance, is something I still str...