I Don't Want To Anymore

I Don't Want To Anymore


I don't want to try to make friends again, only to have them leave me feeling isolated and alone.  I don't want to keep waiting for the right guy to find me, when all of my friends are getting engaged, other singles are complaining how lonely they feel (because I am too), and my Grandma says for the hundredth time, "when you aren't looking for it, it will come and hit you over the head until you fall so in love, you don't even know it's happening" (no offense Grandma, I still love and value you and your advice).  

I don't want to keep pouring into other people, thinking maybe this one or that one will finally stay in my life, only to have them turn around, stab me in the back, and criticize the heart of an empath that lives within me, so desperately seeking and searching to love others.  I don't want to keep doubting God's beautiful plan for me in life every single time it gets too hard and I walk through the hundredth hill and valley of my destination. 

I don't want to think I'm not good enough when I look in the mirror even though that's how I feel because I know that God above sees my worth. I don't want to have such low self esteem and self worth that I honestly believe no guy has or ever will like and pursue me like Christ pursues the Church because I'm not pretty, athletic, funny, or you fill in the blank enough. I don't want to think that my worth as a person depends on the contingency of true friends I have, the lack of guys that have had interest in me, or the way I think of myself when I'm alone at night and cry myself to sleep, pressing with everything in me to remind myself of God's Word that is the truth, and His scriptures that I have just poured into my weary soul. Sometimes, I just don't want to anymore. 

I don't want to overthink what people think of me, I want to know that it is only God's opinion of me that matters. 

I don't want to be terrified to make new friends that God has placed in my life due to past circumstances, because I truly believe that He places whom I need in my life at the exact moment that I need them. 

I don't want to be mentally weak from the people who constantly tell me that I'm not good enough and critique who I am, because I'm strong enough to rise against those wars, even the ones that only ever occur between me and the mind inside my overthinking head.

I don't want to contemplate if God's love is enough to cover me when I fail Him time and time again, even though I already know in my heart that I'm not that powerful and His grace is a thousand times enough to cover and wash over me.

I don't want to get to the end of the day and realize all the would haves, should haves, and could have been’s in life, because I will know that I have fulfilled God's purpose in life for me.

I don't want to go another day waiting to ask for His advice, when instead of complaining and pouring out my heart to others, I should have been praying on my knees to Him.

I don't want to judge myself so harshly every.single.day. when I know that I am doing everything in my heart and life to authentically serve a God who recklessly loves me.

I don't want to start all over again or feel like I have to in life, yet in His whispers He tells me, "but you have to". 

And not completely over, but in a sense that for those things that He prompts me, I will grow, and learn, and live, and love like He does-endlessly. 

But, these things don't come easily.

Because if I'm being honest and vulnerable with you all, "I don't want to anymore" for fear of being rejected, and all exhaustion of any type of emotion that you can possibly feel. And when it all boils down to it, I just want someone to want me like Jesus wants me. I want someone to love me like Jesus loves me. I want someone who chooses to "want to", even when "they don't want to anymore" for more times than forgiveness feels like. I want them to press on like I am attempting to, even when everything within me feels broken. 

So even when I don't want to anymore, I will want them like Jesus wants them, regardless of if they feel like they deserve it, or if they do, because who am I to judge? I will love them like Jesus regardless of the circumstance, environment, or what they believe because Jesus looked up from a manger and down from the cross with love in His eyes for me- even when what He was going through would be a million times worse than anything I'd ever encounter. 

As I'm waiting, especially and even when I don't want to, I will anyways. I always will, for the Christ in me is far greater than the emotions that make me feel like I don't want to presently. Jesus is greater than all of that in you, and He certainly is in me. Today, I will anyways and I hope it encourages you to do the same. 



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