Depression.
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| (Photo Credit Belongs to Photographer: Amber Nicole Ginter, and Artist Kasandra Dalton) |
It hits like a tidal wave sweeping over your head. It comes out of nowhere so like a girl lost
out at sea little do people see you are drowning beneath the bobbing of your
frantically swimming limbs. And that as
much as you try, and push, and dive, and squirm, your exhausted body just can’t
seem to stand against the tides rolling over you. Like a ragdoll you grow limp. A wet noodle in the pool that has lost all fight
against the child holding onto it so tightly, you remain stagnant. For as the thoughts, or maybe lack of
thoughts that fill your mind grow restless, you wonder if this tunnel of
darkness will ever lead to the light on the other side.
At least that’s how depression has been for me the past
few days, and to be honest, I don’t really understand why. College is on break although I do have a few
classes over the summer. I’ve just
signed to work with some awesome mission trip groups and Christian summer camps
that my heart for the good of God is on fire.
I have a lot of true friends that I’ve made in the past year, and my
family loves me unconditionally. But on
days like these ones, sometimes those things aren’t enough.
My online classes never give me a break from my brain that
seems to go a thousand miles an hour. I
have a never-ending to-do list that unfortunately even makes my time with God
seem like something I should check-off (although it never should be). I have trouble praising God and thanking him
when all I feel is loneliness inside, and a pit of anguish kills my soul as no
one has time to do anything, anytime, because they are just “too busy”. My heart still longs to find someone who will
show me God’s love, and to have people do as much for you as you do for them,
but in my whispers of the Holy Spirit, I know that I just need to be content in
God and truly trust both the timing and placement of things that happen when
they need to happen.
And are these things easy to do, of course not. And do I wish I could make this random
depression go away in the blink of an eye?
You better bet on it. But in this
time of loneliness and despair, I know that I need to reach out to God and let
Him fill these voids of emptiness in my life.
I need to cry, scream, pour it out to Him until my soul is weak, and my
knees are bruised, because it is in these times of praising Him when it hurts
that He fills us the most.
So, to my depression and anxiety, I hope that you go away
soon. That I’ll be able to wake up with
a smile on my face, a purpose in my heart, and a passion to do the things that
I love yet again. And to God, I pray
that you help myself, and others going through these same feelings to see your
glimmering light of joy, hope, and all things “sunshine” ahead in the near
distance. Because as much as I know that
this state I’m in is not the real me, I am reassured that even in the hills and
valleys of life, you know my name, call me out, and pick me up to start all
over again even when it seems that I’ve lost all faith.
“I waited patiently for the LORD; he
inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of
destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a
rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a
song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in
the LORD.” -Ps. 40:1-3
Even in these times of loneliness, sadness,
and random feelings that I don’t know where in the world they came from, I can
rest assured that God has a purpose for my life, a redemption in store for my
future, and a plan for what I will face in the present. I am human, I am fragile, I am a woman of
God, and sometimes, we just feel this way for no reason, and that is okay.
As I’m climbing my way out of this pit that
drags me down like murky pond water, and slippery slope mud, I look to the
Heavens that give me just enough strength for each day. And eventually I’ll realize that the cure to
this lonely heart is to spend even more time alone with the one who created
it.
Because even depression can’t hold me down
from the love that God gives me, and amidst its slimy lies of deception,
comparison, imperfection, and ignorance, they have no grasp on the hands that
God formed for perseverance in His world.
I’m going to make it out of this alive, and when I do, I’ll be even
stronger through the power of Christ on my side.
Keep fighting. Keep swimming. Keeping tilting that head toward Heaven. Your breakthrough is coming; you just have to
remember to look for the light. Because this
confession of depression is honest, it is raw, vulnerable, and the furthest
thing from pretty. But you know
what? It is a real, and a part of life
that each of us go through from time to time, so why not help others through it
along the way? I promise that you’ll
make it out on the other side. You might
land among the seashore sand with rocks scraping your legs, and a bed of hair that
resembles seaweed along the way, but it will be in those moments of survival,
those moments of victory and knowing that you made it that give you the scars
you reflect on in the nearer future, perfect looking, sun shining days.
Agape, Amber
